When You Bleed Just to Know You're Alive
by Rae of Rosemary
Summary: Songfic, song by the GooGoo Dolls. Set in the beginning of the third book. Sirus reflects on his life to date, better than it sounds. Please read.


// And I'd give up forever to touch you //  
  
// Cause I know that you feel me somehow //  
  
Sirus Black stood in his dog form, watching his godson from his hiding place in the shadows. He looked so much like his father, so much like James, his brother. He had gone mad with rage the night James died, and now, here stood the man's last link with the world. His son, Harry. Harry looked over towards the shadows where Sirus was hiding, but didn't see him.  
  
// You're the closest thing to heaven that I'll ever be //  
  
// And I don't want to go home right now //  
  
Sirus was a condemned man, and he knew it. His life had been a hell hole, for the most part, only coming through it because his friends were there. Now they were gone. Peter was a traitor, James was dead, and he hadn't seen Lupin in years. Twelve, to be precise. This boy, with the purity of innocence, was now the only thing that kept him sane. Gave him a reason to live.  
  
// And all I can taste is this moment //  
  
// And all I can breathe is your life //  
  
Harry was now his world, and the boy had never seen him. He lived day to day trying to get a glimpse of him, trying to ease the pain in his own heart. The boy had had a rough life, he knew, but if only he could be there, to give him a hug and told him it would be alright. Like James would have.  
  
// Cause sooner or later it's over //  
  
// I just don't want to miss you tonight //  
  
He knew, one day he could exact his revenge, and he would be put back in Azkaban. Harry would never know the truth; never know how much he had cared for him. He wished with all of his heart that it wasn't so, but it was. All he could do for right now was just watch out for him, make sure he was as safe as possible. And ease his heart with the boy's presence.  
  
// And I don't want the world to see me //  
  
// Cause I don't think that they'd understand //  
  
Why couldn't everything have been different? One tiny change in the course of history, and the world would be okay. Had he not been so stupid as to trust Peter, had he not hunted him down, had he died rather than forsake the trust of James and Lily. The world would be right again. His friends would be by his side, his happiness secured, and Harry would no longer have to face this.  
  
// When everything's made to be broken //  
  
// I just want you to know who I am //  
  
If only he could speak to him.,.,. If he could just say one word to the boy, slip a note to him, let him know that he was safe, and always would be. What he wouldn't give to just hold the boy in his arms, rock him to sleep. He had missed all of his childhood, never getting to fulfill his duties as a godfather, never getting to speak to the boy. What he wouldn't give for one moment with the boy, in total and complete trust.  
  
// And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming //  
  
// Or the moment of truth in your lies //  
  
What had it been like for Peter? He couldn't help but wonder. Was there some cold satisfaction, a greed, or pleased happiness for doing the unthinkable? Had he hesitated before telling, or felt sadness at their loss? Even a twinge of regret? Had he lay in bed at night, regretful of the ones he had lost, or did he merely regret the lack of rewards? Did he even shed a tear for those who he had held dear for so long?  
  
// When everything seems like the movies //  
  
// Yeah you bleed just to know your alive //  
  
It seemed unreal to him, even after the long years of reliving it, time and time again. They were gone.,. completely gone. They were no longer the Marauders, pulling pranks and laughing through detentions, no longer the good looking guys that every one liked. They were gone, split up, completely torn apart. Dead or dying, all of them, in one way or another. Sirus felt his heart tear open at the sight of Harry, the last link to the life he had once held dear.  
  
// And I don't want the world to see me //  
  
// Cause I don't think that they'd understand //  
  
Things had gone wrong, so terribly wrong. Harry was supposed to be happy, not sitting on a corner with his trunk, running away from home. Peter, Remus, James and himself were supposed to be working, spending time with each other and their families, living a normal life. Now, though.,. he was hiding from his godson, heaven only knew where Remus was, Peter was hiding in fear for a crime that never should have been committed, and James.,. James was gone, taken in a way no one should be taken.  
  
// When everything's made to be broken //  
  
// I just want you to know who I am //  
  
His heart was falling to pieces inside of him. His world was gone, an empty plane of blackness, sustained by a single spark of light in the shape of a young boy with untidy hair and round glasses. The spark continued to darken, though, fading to a pale gray as his one hope would grow to fear him. Him, Sirus, the one person in the world who would truly and willingly die for the boy's safety.  
  
// I don't want the world to see me //  
  
// Cause I don't think that they'd understand //  
  
Harry turned and saw the dog there, falling over in surprise. He took a closer look at the shape, focusing on the only truly visible part of him, his eye. Was that a tear? Impossible. Dogs couldn't cry. Sirus looked once more at his godson, then turned and quietly melted away into the shadows. 'One day, my boy. One day.'  
  
// When everything's made to be broken //  
  
// I just want you to know who I am // 


End file.
